Getting unstuck in the work realm is one of the two objectives I’ve set out for my PY35. Coincidentally, the day I posted this objective in a post about a week ago, my boss informed me that I’d be getting a raise if I wanted to take on some more reporting responsibilities. Flattered that she seems to want to keep me around, I was forthright in reminding her how much I hate spending time with reporting (especially the kind of busy work reporting that I see our department being responsible for) and that being in a position of reporting more, to me, seemed like a fast track to…she finished my sentence for me.
Exactly. Ultimately, I agreed to at least try it out. Although my new salary isn’t what I thought it would be, I definitely appreciate the extra $100 per month after taxes that I’ll have.
For me, getting this “promotion” and not really being super psyched about it got me to thinking. Why the quotes around promotion? What about this feels fake to me? Why aren’t I more excited? Proud? Appreciative? Am I depressed? Why can’t I just be satisfied with a status quo life and call it good?
And then, because I don’t like just asking questions, I tried to tease out some answers.
Why the quotes around promotion? What about this feels fake to me?
Besides the fact that I’m 35 and still occasionally find myself feeling like I’m just playing grownup as opposed to actually being grownup, I think the promotion was presented to me in a way so nonchalantly, it felt like my boss was throwing some money in my direction, in an attempt to make me happy (she recently asked me if I’m happy at work and I answered honestly, “no”). Unfortunately, the problem as I see it can’t be fixed with money. Maybe the promotion feels fake to me because so many other factors at work feel fake to me. Fake by association.
Why aren’t I more excited? Proud? Appreciative?
Because I value authenticity and if I smell fakeness I detach and none of the above sentiments can be experienced/expressed.
Am I depressed?
No, just stuck in the work realm. I feel joy in other aspects of my life.
Why can’t I just be satisfied with a status quo life and call it good?
That’s just not me, even though sometimes I am tempted and find myself tired from swimming against the stream and just want to float for a while. When I float I end up in places I’m not happy. I’m positive that I’m just in the wrong stream and that I just need to find the flow that’s right for me.
It seems I’m stuck spending my energy swimming against the current. For a long time I held the belief that you have to be in the game to change the game. But after observing the glass ceiling in full effect with one of my colleagues and trying to change this game for 10 years, I kind of just want to pull a “I’m taking my ball and going home” and go find a new game to play with people who I feel inspired by.